I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
