If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
