Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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