"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize