sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize