Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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