You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
