peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
