This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
