Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
