Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
