I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
