Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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