a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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