I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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