my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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