My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
