You smell like a Billy Joel song
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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