You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
