If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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