Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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