this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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