He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
