I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
