I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
