One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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