Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
