In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Randomize
