he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
