God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
