Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
