We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i think i have two assholes
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
