i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I did not marry a roomba.
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