Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
