So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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