Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
