Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
We got so high we made milksteak
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
