Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
