What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
