My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
