Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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