The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
