Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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