handjob tips. give me some.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
