FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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