my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
