She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Randomize
