Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Dick very happy bro
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
