Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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