In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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