I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize