Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
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