you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
