1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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