I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
