dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
