I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
