How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
