Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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