Duck Duck Cougar?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
