Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Randomize
