It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
