How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
