Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
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